Blessed and Cursed

Bad News, Good News

2010-10-08T08:38:00.003-04:00

So, I went off my meds completely a couple months ago, mainly because I couldn't deal with the side effects, but also because I had doubts about my diagnosis and thought I could handle things. Well, I've got some bad news and good news to share. The bad news is that about three weeks after I went off my meds I got slammed with depression. I ended up in the psych hospital for four days.. went in feeling worthless, alone, suicidal, the whole bit. They put me on anti-depressants there, which made me nervous because I am bipolar and didn't want to deal with going manic. But the doctor assured me that we needed to get me out of depression and then deal with hypo-mania/mania next. So I went along with it. When I got out of the hospital I was still depressed but not suicidal. I was still withdrawing from everyone and had no interest in things that normally interest me.

The good news is that about two weeks after coming home I started feeling great and still do. I think they have the correct med combo for me now: Cymbalta and Abilify. I am feeling so good! I have no traces of depression or mania and all of my interests have come back. I'm painting, reading, knitting, exercising, and a lot of other stuff that keeps me busy and happy. I am excited about the fact that my meds are finally working without side effects! It took 4 years to finally find the right combo, and, for now, the Cymbalta and Abilify are working wonders. Woo hoo!

Void

2010-08-08T06:30:00.005-04:00

So, I've been up since 5am, on a Sunday no less, because a neighbor woke me up with some seriously loud music. And because I'm an insomniac, but whatever. So I'm combating their crappy music by blasting some Ministry into my sleepy ears and trying to take the music's advice of "Breathe, you fucker!!" Sometimes I have to remind myself to do that. I'm guessing some people reading this can relate to that.

I've been off the Abilify for several days now and I'm feeling relatively well, still, and I'm still surprised about that. I'm definitely having some symptoms of both mania and depression, all mixed up, but nothing I can't handle at this point. Mostly I'm just dealing with a void, some type of void that I can't put my finger on. I figured out this is one reason I've been in a funk for a few months, maybe even years. Something is missing.

And another thing.. I've come to realize that I am a totally different person on the inside than I am on the outside. That bugs the shit out of me. No one knows the true me. There is all kinds of darkness and angst within me, all of which should probably just stay inside, for now, at least. I suppose I seem totally "normal" on the outside.. ha, that's funny. Well, maybe I am normal.. maybe everyone is screwed up in the head, to some degree.

As usual, I'm reserved in what I say.. afraid of opening up, I suppose. That's it for now.

Med-Free (for the moment)

2010-08-04T08:55:00.005-04:00

I am officially off my meds and feeling... surprisingly well, I must say. I had a few days of mixed moods, as is obvious from my previous couple of posts, but I am feeling somewhat "normal" today, which, again, is surprising to me. No crying at the drop of a hat, I'm sleeping well, no signs of mania, no mixed-mood-type-crap going on. I actually feel better than I did on the meds. Ablify was making me very restless and discontented.. I wasn't happy with anything and lost interest in everything. That feeling is gone now...a huge relief. I'm glad to rid myself of all the damn chemicals I've been consuming. I really suspect the medicine was actually making me feel worse. Sometimes you just need to take a break, find out where you're at, and start anew. Not that I'm recommending that for anyone, but it seems to be the right thing for me to do at the moment. I suspect tomorrow I'll be way up in mania-land and posting some crazy shit again, but, for now, taking things day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. I'll be ok.

In other news, congrats to Ann, who won a copy of Living Well With Depression and Bipolar Disorder! Thanks for your support Ann and all others who read and comment on this blog.

Substance

2010-08-02T13:04:00.003-04:00

The shallowness, the pettiness, the lack of substance - stifling. Wrap me up in a ball and shove me right inside a Nine Inch Nails song, where there is feeling and truth. "Less concerned about fitting into the world, your world, that is." Don't give me small talk, I want your pain, your darkness, your fears, your depth, your passion, your soul...so I know I'm not alone.

I Fall Short

2010-08-01T18:19:00.001-04:00

I Fall Short

I'm just myself
But not good enough for anyone.
Seemingly under
Constant criticism,
Mostly falling short.
Loved by many,
Understood by none.

-bpmerf

Fog

2010-08-01T10:02:00.001-04:00

My body is encased in pain. It is
Not like a garment, for it cannot be cast off.
It is not like flesh, which can be touched
And bathed and assuaged. Rather it is
Like a fog, indefinable...lifting
And descending,
Blotting out all but the spirit's vision.
It cannot be conveyed by descriptive word.
It must belong to the mysteries of Birth
And Love and Death.
Do not vex me with your loving questions.
This pain is mine...

-Pricella Grey, my great, great Aunt

2010-08-01T09:12:00.000-04:00

I'm going off my meds. Probably not the best decision, but I've made up my mind. I want to be free of all medicine and just see how it goes for a little while. Doc told me what to watch out for, like I don't already know. I've taken every med under the sun and still the bp is not under control. Maybe it is the meds themselves that are screwing with my head. For 3 years I've been dealing with this crap and now I am done. If I come off them and feel worse, I'll deal with it then - a fresh start with a new doctor. I'd just like to start completely over.

Venting

2010-07-30T09:55:00.000-04:00

So I'm lurking somewhere along this stupid bipolar spectrum, not knowing how I'm feeling from one minute to the next. I basically am trapped within one huge mixed mood, manic one second, crying the next. A lot of people who have BP can predict their moods and they can identify what is going on with them, right? Well, not me. I'm all over the place and have been for 3 years since I was diagnosed w/ BP1. The doc has never gotten my meds right and I live in constant mental chaos and I'M SICK OF IT! Did they get my diagnosis wrong? Am I really a "normal" person they are trying to treat with mood stabilizers? Actually, I know the answer to that question and I have accepted the fact, but sometimes I do have my doubts. I want to quit taking everything and start over. I can't stand feeling like this any longer. I'm losing it.

And one more thing: Why can't I just sit and be content without everyone saying, "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet" "Are you ok?." Sometimes I just like to sit with my friends and just relax and listen to what is going on. Sometimes I simply don't want to talk to anyone, but being there with them is just fine. Can't they understand this? Don't they know by now that I am moody? I mean, I wish someone would just come out and address the bipolar and not tiptoe around it. I'm sick of "What's wrong?" I'd be happier with "What's going on in your crazy head?" Why can't they ask me, "What's it like to have bipolar?" and try to understand me better. This is why I truly believe NO ONE CARES!

I'm not normally a whiny, complaining person, and I love my friends and family, but this place is for me to vent, so sometimes I may come across as a raging bitch.. sorry.

Blessed

2010-07-29T07:20:00.000-04:00

This poem jumped out at me simply because of its title, "Blessed". When I read it, I thought about how lucky are people who have the ability to write, especially when they have a mood disorder. The things that go on in our heads get to be too much to handle sometimes, so I envy those who can get out their thoughts onto paper. I try, via this blog, but I have never really gotten to where I want to go as far as telling what is really on my mind. I suppose I have a fear of rejection... a fear of someone thinking I'm batshit crazy. Pretty much everything I have written is surface-level crap that is not even remotely interesting or complex. I'm not sure how to get past that, but I have confidence that I will in the future, and when I do, I hope some people will look at my writings in this way:

Blessed

I would come back from a run
With lines of poetry to tell
And having listened, she would say
"What a mind."

She'd fold my words inside her head
And though the lines may not have been
Supreme, she wasn't merely being kind
She meant it, what she said

And I am blessed
For she said "What a mind."

- Paul McCartney

Black Jacket

2010-07-29T07:10:00.001-04:00

Sadness isn't sadness
it's happiness
in a black jacket

Death isn't death
it's life
that's jumped off a cliff

Tears are not tears
They're balls of
laughter
dipped in salt

- Paul McCartney

Pain

2010-04-21T08:43:00.000-04:00

Pain Has An Element Of Blank

Pain has an element of blank:
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

- Emily Dickinson

And doesn't pain have a certain beauty too? Feelings so deep they seem to just engulf you so that you become wholly the feelings themselves. Sometimes I feel darn lucky to have Bipolar Disorder. My depth of feeling seems to dwarf that of others. Honestly, I feel that most people are shallow and unfeeling, and I'm glad I can't say that about myself. Pain reminds me I am living, I am caring, and I mean something to the world. It forces me to look within and question the meaning of everything. Granted, it also makes me believe that no one cares and that no one understands, but in a truly fucked up way, it makes me feel special and unique, like I am one of a select few of us who hurt in this manner, who feel emotions that would make other cower like frightened children.

Usher In The Depression

2010-04-19T09:58:00.000-04:00

I quit taking the painkillers about 5 or 6 days ago. Since I did a good job of weaning myself off of them, I had very few detox symptoms to deal with, just some very minor nausea and tremors. However, I have been dealing with depression in a big way and I'll explain why.

I was self-medicating with a drug called Tramadol. Now, my doctors, when I told them I didn't want to take Percoset or the like anymore, assured me that Tramadol is safe and non-addictive. FAIL! I was hooked from the very first time I took one. Tramadol releases serotonin, thereby ridding me of any signs of depression and putting me in a damn good mood. Does it really take a genius to figure out you shouldn't give this particular drug to a bipolar patient? Not addictive, my ass. After about 4 months of taking Tramadol regularly, my body showed symptoms of physical addiction. Nausea, tremors, and a couple other unmentionable symptoms were experienced every day, especially in the morning since I hadn't taken the drug since the night before. I didn't mention this before, but I actually detoxed myself off the drug 3 times before, only to start taking it again. I found message boards full of people going through the same thing I was, all for a "safe" and "non-addicting" drug?

Enough of my rant, the point is, now that I have stopped taking the Tramadol, my serotonin has dropped. I suppose this is what was to be expected as part of the detox process, but I worry that this is how I will normally feel now. I have been used to elevating my mood through the use of the drug.. is this depressed me the normal me? How long will it last? Should I contact my doctor right away and get a med-tweak (I take Abilify) or wait a few more days to see if I return to "normal"? *sigh* I hate depression.

Kicking a Bad Habit

2010-04-13T07:40:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in a previous post, I have been self-medicating for about a year with prescription painkillers, not something I am proud of, but a habit I am in the process of kicking, hopefully for good. The problem is that I actually need the painkillers for back and hip pain that I experience quite frequently. My plan is to detox from the medicine completely over the next few days and then only take one pill as needed for pain, instead of taking them all the time even when not in pain, which has been the habit for quite some time. This particular medicine fights my depression and anxiety tooth and nail, hence the addicting properties. The moment I felt a tinge of depression or boredom, I would take one and immediately feel happy.. that's it, just happy and content. I don't know if it is my personality or the bipolar or a mixture of both, but I am generally not content. I get bored extremely easily and I experience an unease, a deep unease or anxiety, that is very difficult to explain. The symptoms of akathisia describe the way I feel almost every day. I suppose that is a discussion I need to have with my doctor. Maybe I need a med-tweak. These are the symptoms I have been self-medicating with painkillers, which have worked wonders, but which are not good to be addicted to.

I have weaned myself down to only taking 1/2 a pill per day. I take 1/4 in the morning and 1/4 later in the afternoon. I feel great, except for the tinges of depression and anxiety aforementioned. Tomorrow I will take only 1/4 all day and then the following day I'll quit altogether. Since I have been taking them for awhile, my body is physically addicted to the medicine, so I cannot simply quit taking them altogether. This has been a process, and it is working well so far and I'm quite proud of myself for sticking to the plan, as difficult as it has been. I am experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea and shakiness, but this has been minimal so far.

To read more about self-medicating behavior and substance abuse as related to Bipolar Disorder, check out these articles:

Self-Medicating Bipolar Disorder

Substance Abuse and Bipolar Disorder

Insomnia Anyone?

2010-04-08T05:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess this blog wouldn't be complete without a post about insomnia. I'm awake at 3:30 am this morning, *sigh*. Usually I have trouble going to sleep without Lorazapam, but I haven't taken it in about 5 months because I have been so darn tired at night, and I mean early, like 9:00. I have three kids, though, so I guess it is no wonder that I'm tired early. But my insomnia seems to have taken a different form. Instead of not being able to get to sleep at night, I pass out only to wake up at 3am or 4am unable to get back to sleep. Ah, insomnia. Maybe I'm on an upswing because I'm not even remotely tired right now. I have energy and I'm motivated to get things done with all this time I have before everyone wakes up. However, I feel a bit like the dude in this picture. Please leave comments... I'd love to hear about your experiences with insomnia.

Doctor Visit

2010-04-02T05:44:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in the previous post, I worry that my daughter (12) could possibly have Bipolar Disorder because she seems to have mood swings, etc. It is difficult at this age to determine what is hormonal stuff and what could possibly be a mood disorder. She has been to a therapist before in the past for anxiety related behavior, such as insomnia, irrational fears, etc, but I didn't feel that this was helping and I really wanted to get rolling on the diagnosis part of all of this. It isn't that I want to label her or anything, it is that I want to know what we're dealing with so I can do my best to help her. Anyway, I took her to a psychiatrist about a week ago and the good news is that the doctor seems to think this is all adolescent girl hormonal stuff. She does not see any indication of BP as of yet, but she did recognize that my daughter does suffer from anxiety and is experiencing physical symptoms because of it. We talked at length about what was going on, and I feel like we did a good job of putting it all out on the table, although I do worry that I am sending the message to my daughter that there is something "wrong" with her. I am careful with what I say to her and in front of her. The doctor did prescribe a common anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine to her for her anxiety and we're trying it out. She takes the smallest amount possible. Of course, we won't know for awhile what affect this has on her, and, yes, I am watching for any indications of hypo-mania/mania. If you remember from the previous post, she is having breathing problems (can't catch her breath, feels like someone is sitting on her chest - asthma and heart issues have been ruled out) and the doctors seem to think it is definitely anxiety related. I am hoping this medicine will relax her enough to get those physical symptoms to lay off.

Any advice about this topic would be greatly appreciated!

Random Ramblings

2010-03-20T05:42:00.001-04:00

It has been forever since I posted on this blog. I've been feeling pretty well and I guess I just felt like I had nothing to say, bipolar related that is. I think the Abilify works wonders for me, but I also realize that I am self-medicating on a pretty serious level. I have an addiction that I am not proud of and I'm not sure I want to mention here just yet, but I guess I can say that it is a type of medicine that makes me feel much better.. takes away any inklings of depression. I have a perscription for it, so I'm not into anything illegal, but I know it is detrimental to my health and well-being and it affects my moods, which is not something I should be messing with. I've tried four times to detox from it, only to start taking it again. Something that takes away depression and puts you in a good mood?... try staying away from it.. difficult, to say the least. I know this is something that I need to work on, but it is very difficult, especially since I do live with physical pain almost every day. Ok, I said it, it is pain killers that I take. I have problems with my hips, another reason why I can't seem to stop taking the med. *big sigh*

Something else I'm dealing with right now is the possibility that my daughter, who is 12, may be bipolar. This is something we've been keeping our eye on for several years. She has a history of some depression and lots of anxiety, and now she is complaining of "not being able to breathe" (panic/anxiety attacks?) and being very jittery and having lots of energy. *another big sigh* I'm taking her to the psychiatrist on Tuesday and hope to get well on the way to a diagnosis, not because I want to push meds on her, but because I really want to know what we're dealing with here and I want to handle it. Thinking back, I believe I was dealing with bipolar feelings when I went through adolescence and I do NOT want her to go through what I went through. Adolescence is tough as it is, throw in bipolar - yikes. I am so confused and frustrated with this issue because it is so tough to know what is adolescence and crazy hormones and what could be bipolar or some other mental illness. Hopefully the doctor can shed some light on this and help us on our path to helping my daughter.

I suppose that is enough for today. Any comments and suggestions would be appreciated!

Searching For My Blogging Identity

2009-09-26T07:51:00.000-04:00

I created this blog as a way for me to freely express myself and speak my mind, but I am struggling with "what should I say and what should I not say?". Should I talk about personal topics such as sex or drugs or psychiatric hospital visits and how they relate to my experience with bipolar? I want to be brutally honest, but I worry about what people will think. And I'm worried someone I know might see this blog.. what will they think? I have always maintained that if people do not accept me for who I am, then I don't need them in my life, but yet I still concern myself with what they think of me. Should I take my picture off of my blog and go for a more anonymous identity? Or should I speak the truth and be ME? I should not be ashamed about myself.. I love who I am. Will others? I want people to know who am I am, but then again, I don't. Should I cuss up a storm like my normal fucking self, or should I respect others, like I usually do, and leave out the curse words? Why am I so concerned about offending people? I was taught to respect people and always be kind, and I am, but here I'd like to tell it like it is from my perspective without inhibition. What is stopping me?

The FUNK Subsides

2009-09-24T07:37:00.000-04:00

I'm definitely out of the so-called "funk" and now in the "I can't believe I said some of that stuff on my blog" phase. I'm feeling totally "normal", whatever that is... stable moods, generally happy and busy with life. If I'm busy, it keeps my mind busy and away from the brooding that I often do.

We've had tons of flooding here in Atlanta, which is extremely unusual, especially since we've been in a severe drought for years. No one here has seen anything like the amount of rain we received a few days ago. Many places we frequent were under water. Our house is totally fine because we are seated higher up.

So, as we're dealing with the floods and being stuck in the house because all the roads were closed, we're also stuck in the house because we're trying to contain the H1N1 virus that ALL THREE KIDS HAVE!! Never have they all been sick at the same time. I have medicine charts that would blow your mind :) I've never used that much rubbing alcohol and cotton balls (to clean the thermometer) in all my life. Luckily the oldest, who was the first to contract it, is fever-free now and seems to be totally clear of the bug. The two youngest are just now getting to the fever-free point, hence I'm doing a happy dance. This nasty bug has a week-long incubation period, so me and the hubby are on pins and needles - will we get it in a couple days?? We've already missed a week of work because no one's boss wants the H1N1 anywhere in their vicinity, of course.

So, although I do not favor flooding and H1N1, busy is good!

FUNK

2009-09-14T09:26:00.000-04:00

I'm in one of my "funks". I'd say I'm definitely in a manic phase, for about 3 months now, but I also struggle with mixed moods.... moods all over the map. I'm ecstatic one minute, on the verge of tears the next. Sometimes I don't know if I'm manic or depressed.. is that possible? And what is "normal" moodiness? How much does this thing called bipolar affect me? I wrote a poem (ok, it isn't a very good one, but at least it gets the point across) a couple years ago when I was in the midst of a very serious mixed episode:

Both

Wallowing in my own self-pity
Not depressed, not hypo... never mind, both
Energy, creativity, blackness
Blood, morbidity, death
Melancholy, macabre, paranoia
Happy, blissful, motivated
Emotional, elated, captivated
Rage, resentment, envy
Which will it be this minute?
Which will it be the next?

This poem pretty much sums up the "funk" I wish to describe. I have moments of dark, depressing thoughts and times when I want to be "bad", like abandon my responsibilities and go out drinking and smoking. I'm not a "smoker", but I have been smoking a bit lately and I blame it on the "funk". At least I'm not into drugs. Since during these times I am quite vulnerable to addiction, drugs could potentially destroy me.

The music I listen to feeds my moods. I love loud, angry music, like Metallica, Rob Zombie, and Linkin Park.

It is very difficult to describe the "funk".. I think I'm doing a terrible job and I'll just let the poem above speak for me :)

Keeping Eye on Daughter

2009-08-28T08:10:00.000-04:00

We've really been watching our daughter, who is 11, carefully for several years now because we suspect she could have Bipolar Disorder. I've done my due diligence in reading about Child Onset Bipolar, but I still find it tricky to figure out. She was going to a therapist for a few months... perhaps I should take her back so we can continue evaluating her for BP. I would not be worried about it if it didn't seem to interfere with her life, but it seems to be affecting her negatively in a couple ways.

The first behavior we noticed and that concerns us the most, is crying spells. She'll seemingly be in a great mood and then just start crying, for no discernible reason. I can relate whole-heartedly to this because I experience the same behavior quite often. What is tricky for me is knowing if this is just preadolescent hormone stuff or actually Bipolar. Also, she had a sinus/ear infection recently and was on steroids to help decrease inflammation and during this time she was extra teary. She also becomes, what appears to be very depressed and also very spacey, when she takes decongestants, which I do not give her unless absolutely necessary. Now, the depression could be a side effect of the medicine, but the crying and other depressed behavior is observed even when not on the medication, which concerns us.

Sierra is a very quiet, reserved person, so it is very difficult to notice signs of mania or hypomania because she could be keeping it inside, which is what I learned to do (I have only recently realized this) as a kid. I asked her the other day if she has periods of time when she has extra energy and feels more creative and full of ideas and she immediately said "Yes!" She said she has many of ideas for stories... I told her to be sure to write them down! Of course I am NOT suggesting that because she is creative this means she is Bipolar. We also have noticed at times she seems very talkative, thoughts flying everywhere, and full of energy, which is the complete opposite of her "normal" personality. Again, preadolescence, bipolar, normal kid stuff??

Sierra has many anxieties and fears, more so than the average kid. She is petrified of going to bed because she is afraid she won't be able to sleep and she'll be awake when everyone else is asleep. I'm not sure if this sounds strange, but I can relate to this fear because I had the exact same phobia as a kid. I would lie awake at night crying and wishing for morning light to come through my blinds and I could not spend the night with friends without this reaction. She will not spend the night with anyone except her grandparents and even then she needs to be cuddling with someone in order to sleep. Lots of sleep issues. Again, boy, can I relate. She also has other anxieties such as she's afraid something will happen to members of her family, like someone will kill them or they'll get into a car wreck and never come back. This may be on the "normal" side though, but these anxieties exacerbate the sleeping issues.

I think what strikes me the most about this is that my daughter is exactly like I was as a kid. Does that mean she's bipolar? Of course not, but it is a concern of ours and we will continue to assess her. And its not that I'm wanting a "label"... it is that if she's suffering inside, I want to alleviate the struggle, even if it includes medication, especially since she's nearing the teen years and these symptoms could get worse.

Update: Just read this great article about adolescent bipolar: http://www.infobarrel.com/Adolescent_Bipolar_Disorder_-_Symptoms_And_More

2009-08-27T13:49:00.000-04:00

Don't judge what you don't understand
or you deny what has been given to me

-Disturbed

A Poem That Speaks To Me

2009-08-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

In the midst of a raging and very scary mixed episode about two years ago, I ran across this poem by Emily Dickinson. I'm not sure how I was able to read it or even open a book at the time because I was all over the place, unable to focus on anything, unable to sit or even stand still, barely able to breathe. Thoughts raced through my head at lightning speed. But despite all of that, this poem jumped out and spoke to me like no other poem ever has. It seemed to describe exactly how I was feeling:

I felt a cleavage in my mind
As if my brain had split:
I tried to match it, seam by seam,
But could not make them fit.

The thought behind I strove to join
Unto the thought before,
But sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon a floor.

-Emily Dickinson

Blessed and Cursed

2009-08-26T09:51:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my new blog, Blessed and Cursed. This blog will be focused on Bipolar Disorder and my personal experiences with it. I call it "Blessed and Cursed" because that is the best way I can describe how I feel living with bipolar, blessed and cursed. Blessed because it makes me feel unique and special and allows my creativity to soar freely, at times. Cursed because, well, if you live with bipolar as well, you'll understand what I mean by "cursed". This disorder is very difficult to deal with at times, from smothering depressions to dysphoric manias and everything in between.

My idea for this blog is simply to be brutally honest and reveal my life as someone struggling to raise a family and deal with bipolar disorder simultaneously. You may not agree with everything I say, but my intention for this blog is to reap the therapeutic benefits of journaling my own honest thoughts and ideas, inform readers through various articles about Bipolar Disorder, and hopefully touch the lives of a few of you out there. I wholeheartedly welcome comments, questions, ideas, guest bloggers, etc.. the more input the better.

I am a 36-year-old married mother of three children, ages 11, 9 & 5. My oldest is a girl and the younger two are boys. I am a teacher by trade, but a stay-at-home mom for 9 years now by choice. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in 2007 after being on anti-depressants for months, which eventually made me VERY manic, sending me to the hospital where my diagnosis awaited me. I will write much more on this later. Looking back, I suspect I have been living with bipolar since, maybe high school? Definitely since college.. it is hard to tell, really. I am a very passionate, moody, sensitive yet strong, artistic, creative person who has idea after idea after idea, especially when on an up-swing, of course. I look forward to sharing my story and my life through this special space I have created.