Bad News, Good News

So, I went off my meds completely a couple months ago, mainly because I couldn't deal with the side effects, but also because I had doubts about my diagnosis and thought I could handle things. Well, I've got some bad news and good news to share. The bad news is that about three weeks after I went off my meds I got slammed with depression. I ended up in the psych hospital for four days.. went in feeling worthless, alone, suicidal, the whole bit. They put me on anti-depressants there, which made me nervous because I am bipolar and didn't want to deal with going manic. But the doctor assured me that we needed to get me out of depression and then deal with hypo-mania/mania next. So I went along with it. When I got out of the hospital I was still depressed but not suicidal. I was still withdrawing from everyone and had no interest in things that normally interest me.

The good news is that about two weeks after coming home I started feeling great and still do. I think they have the correct med combo for me now: Cymbalta and Abilify. I am feeling so good! I have no traces of depression or mania and all of my interests have come back. I'm painting, reading, knitting, exercising, and a lot of other stuff that keeps me busy and happy. I am excited about the fact that my meds are finally working without side effects! It took 4 years to finally find the right combo, and, for now, the Cymbalta and Abilify are working wonders. Woo hoo!

Void

So, I've been up since 5am, on a Sunday no less, because a neighbor woke me up with some seriously loud music. And because I'm an insomniac, but whatever. So I'm combating their crappy music by blasting some Ministry into my sleepy ears and trying to take the music's advice of "Breathe, you fucker!!" Sometimes I have to remind myself to do that. I'm guessing some people reading this can relate to that.

I've been off the Abilify for several days now and I'm feeling relatively well, still, and I'm still surprised about that. I'm definitely having some symptoms of both mania and depression, all mixed up, but nothing I can't handle at this point. Mostly I'm just dealing with a void, some type of void that I can't put my finger on. I figured out this is one reason I've been in a funk for a few months, maybe even years. Something is missing.

And another thing.. I've come to realize that I am a totally different person on the inside than I am on the outside. That bugs the shit out of me. No one knows the true me. There is all kinds of darkness and angst within me, all of which should probably just stay inside, for now, at least. I suppose I seem totally "normal" on the outside.. ha, that's funny. Well, maybe I am normal.. maybe everyone is screwed up in the head, to some degree.

As usual, I'm reserved in what I say.. afraid of opening up, I suppose. That's it for now.

Med-Free (for the moment)

I am officially off my meds and feeling... surprisingly well, I must say. I had a few days of mixed moods, as is obvious from my previous couple of posts, but I am feeling somewhat "normal" today, which, again, is surprising to me. No crying at the drop of a hat, I'm sleeping well, no signs of mania, no mixed-mood-type-crap going on. I actually feel better than I did on the meds. Ablify was making me very restless and discontented.. I wasn't happy with anything and lost interest in everything. That feeling is gone now...a huge relief. I'm glad to rid myself of all the damn chemicals I've been consuming. I really suspect the medicine was actually making me feel worse. Sometimes you just need to take a break, find out where you're at, and start anew. Not that I'm recommending that for anyone, but it seems to be the right thing for me to do at the moment. I suspect tomorrow I'll be way up in mania-land and posting some crazy shit again, but, for now, taking things day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. I'll be ok.

In other news, congrats to Ann, who won a copy of Living Well With Depression and Bipolar Disorder! Thanks for your support Ann and all others who read and comment on this blog.

Substance

The shallowness, the pettiness, the lack of substance - stifling. Wrap me up in a ball and shove me right inside a Nine Inch Nails song, where there is feeling and truth. "Less concerned about fitting into the world, your world, that is." Don't give me small talk, I want your pain, your darkness, your fears, your depth, your passion, your soul...so I know I'm not alone.

I Fall Short

I Fall Short

I'm just myself
But not good enough for anyone.
Seemingly under
Constant criticism,
Mostly falling short.
Loved by many,
Understood by none.

-bpmerf

Fog

My body is encased in pain. It is
Not like a garment, for it cannot be cast off.
It is not like flesh, which can be touched
And bathed and assuaged. Rather it is
Like a fog, indefinable...lifting
And descending,
Blotting out all but the spirit's vision.
It cannot be conveyed by descriptive word.
It must belong to the mysteries of Birth
And Love and Death.
Do not vex me with your loving questions.
This pain is mine...

-Pricella Grey, my great, great Aunt

I'm going off my meds. Probably not the best decision, but I've made up my mind. I want to be free of all medicine and just see how it goes for a little while. Doc told me what to watch out for, like I don't already know. I've taken every med under the sun and still the bp is not under control. Maybe it is the meds themselves that are screwing with my head. For 3 years I've been dealing with this crap and now I am done. If I come off them and feel worse, I'll deal with it then - a fresh start with a new doctor. I'd just like to start completely over.

Venting

So I'm lurking somewhere along this stupid bipolar spectrum, not knowing how I'm feeling from one minute to the next. I basically am trapped within one huge mixed mood, manic one second, crying the next. A lot of people who have BP can predict their moods and they can identify what is going on with them, right? Well, not me. I'm all over the place and have been for 3 years since I was diagnosed w/ BP1. The doc has never gotten my meds right and I live in constant mental chaos and I'M SICK OF IT! Did they get my diagnosis wrong? Am I really a "normal" person they are trying to treat with mood stabilizers? Actually, I know the answer to that question and I have accepted the fact, but sometimes I do have my doubts. I want to quit taking everything and start over. I can't stand feeling like this any longer. I'm losing it.

And one more thing: Why can't I just sit and be content without everyone saying, "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet" "Are you ok?." Sometimes I just like to sit with my friends and just relax and listen to what is going on. Sometimes I simply don't want to talk to anyone, but being there with them is just fine. Can't they understand this? Don't they know by now that I am moody? I mean, I wish someone would just come out and address the bipolar and not tiptoe around it. I'm sick of "What's wrong?" I'd be happier with "What's going on in your crazy head?" Why can't they ask me, "What's it like to have bipolar?" and try to understand me better. This is why I truly believe NO ONE CARES!

I'm not normally a whiny, complaining person, and I love my friends and family, but this place is for me to vent, so sometimes I may come across as a raging bitch.. sorry.

Blessed

This poem jumped out at me simply because of its title, "Blessed". When I read it, I thought about how lucky are people who have the ability to write, especially when they have a mood disorder. The things that go on in our heads get to be too much to handle sometimes, so I envy those who can get out their thoughts onto paper. I try, via this blog, but I have never really gotten to where I want to go as far as telling what is really on my mind. I suppose I have a fear of rejection... a fear of someone thinking I'm batshit crazy. Pretty much everything I have written is surface-level crap that is not even remotely interesting or complex. I'm not sure how to get past that, but I have confidence that I will in the future, and when I do, I hope some people will look at my writings in this way:


Blessed

I would come back from a run
With lines of poetry to tell
And having listened, she would say
"What a mind."

She'd fold my words inside her head
And though the lines may not have been
Supreme, she wasn't merely being kind
She meant it, what she said

And I am blessed
For she said "What a mind."

- Paul McCartney

Black Jacket

Sadness isn't sadness
it's happiness
in a black jacket

Death isn't death
it's life
that's jumped off a cliff

Tears are not tears
They're balls of
laughter
dipped in salt


- Paul McCartney